Keens Steakhouse

Perhaps there are three ways in which you are familiar with mutton:

1. As chops on hipster faces.
2. In the phrase "mutton dressed as lamb." (See, your 55-year-old neighbor with the impressive collection of thigh-high boots).
3. As the only thing greater than true love according to Miracle Max.

For those who have been to Keens Steakhouse, mutton (basically the teenager of the lamb/sheep world) is perhaps that much more familiar to you. Though the restaurant stopped selling it some time ago, it is still listed on the menu, and they will serve you something close enough for your $45 (lamb aged approximately ten months).

However, mutton is only one notable element of the storied chophouse. The history begins in London with the Lambs Club, a famous theater and literary group. Its New York branch manager was Albert Keen, a theatrical producer who opened Keens in 1885. It was equipped with a pipe room, in which men would smoke thin-stemmed clay pipes, and the Pipe Club roster reportedly contained over ninety thousand names, including Babe Ruth, Albert Einstein, and Teddy Roosevelt. The club was for men only, until 1905 when actress (and reported inamorata of King Edward VII), Lillie Langtry, took Keens to court, won, swanned into the restaurant wearing a feather boa, and ordered the mutton - as any twentieth century actress dating the married King of England would.

Today, Keens still has the feel of an old gentleman's club given the rich wood throughout its rooms, leather-cushioned chairs at white linen-topped tables, framed faded portraits, and the occasional bust and moose head. Also, since Keens owns the world's largest collection of churchwarden pipes, thousands are hooked to the ceilings throughout the restaurant.

And yes, this is a restaurant after all, so what are we eating for unsurprisingly hefty prices? Meat lovers will be pleased to find "dry-aged on premise" USDA prime grade porterhouse, New York sirloin, T-bone, lamb chops, beef short ribs, and eight to twelve ounce portions of filet mignon in addition to the aforementioned mutton chops. Pescatarians will be happy to note the menu includes oysters, Maryland crab cakes, shrimp cocktail, jumbo lump crab cocktail, Dover sole, pan-seared Loch Duart salmon, and two to six pound steamed Maine lobsters. Vegetarians are not to worry either, for Keens serves four types of salad, five preparations of potatoes, and several side dishes from creamed spinach to carrots with brown butter to sauteed escarole to roasted cauliflower and a few other prepared vegetables along the way. You'll want to stay away from the parmesan brussels sprouts, though, unless you're the kind of vegetarian who eats bacon.

So head to Keens for grandpa's birthday, for your not-so-bright son's acceptance to law school (phew), or for a seat at the bar to spy on that one hipster's blind date with your 55-year-old neighbor. If they don't find true love, at least they can enjoy the one thing greater.

Keens - 72 West 36th Street, between 5th & 6th Avenues

Churrascaria Plataforma

A night out at Churrascaria Plataforma is not a dinner so much as an event. In theory, it is a Brazilian steakhouse with a salad bar. In practice, it is giving me the meat sweats just thinking about it.

Plataforma (we're familiar here) at first glance reminds me of any upscale restaurant at any Atlantic City hotel. It is a large room with a well-stocked bar up front, leather seats around cloth-draped tables, and a sizable buffet. On weekends, there is even live music. However, slate floors replace the expected busy carpets, and the lighting gives the room a bright, clean aura.

So here's the low down on dinner. It is a price fixed meal (prix-fixe, if you're fancy), which costs $56.95 and includes two (seriously hefty) courses from 3:30pm until midnight. Lunch is $35.95 and is served between noon and 3:30pm. A meal for children 10 years of age and younger costs $19.95, and there is no charge for those who are 5 and under. Additional packages are available at various prices, which include beverages and dessert.

What do these two standard courses include? Ultimately, a test of your ambition and pride. In more concrete terms: food, food, and more food. The first course is amassed at the buffet. Everything from salads to vegetables (grilled, marinated, hot, cold, you name it) to sushi to cheese to casseroles to chilled shellfish is available. Vegetarians can be completely sated here. I implore the carnivores, however, to take it easy and save room for what is about to come next.

The second course is served back at the table. Side dishes are family style, and I yet again caution you not to over indulge. Do you see that red coaster by your place setting? You are about to flip that over to its green side. Vegetarians, you might want to look away at this point. Carnivores, the green side indicates to the waiters, "Meat. I want meat. Bring on the meat. Give me meat."

Ohhh and meat you shall have. A parade of men wielding meat pierced swords (alright, waiters with skewers) ring the table with their offerings. A slice of beef here, a sausage there, a cut of pork here, some chicken there, a serving of lamb here, more cuts of beef there. As the waiters carve the meat onto your plate, you assist them by using the pair of tongs you have had sitting next to your boozy caipirinha (ice, sugar, lime, and cachaca - a Brazilian liquor made from sugarcane). The gluttony continues until you flip that coaster back to red. This indicates to the waiters, "Ow. I...can't." You can always flip it back to green if you get a second wind - sometimes a discreet yet necessary belch will do that.

If you're up for the challenge when all is said and done, desserts are available. If you are able to get one down, you either didn't do the first two courses properly, or you're just showing off. Either way, I like your moxie.

I would recommend Churrascaria Plataforma to anyone with a hearty appetite. It is not at all just for men, though you might not be surprised to find several large parties of them upon your visit. Go for your friend's birthday, for your fiance's graduation, for that couple's combined bachelor/bachelorette party, with that moron who offered to pay if you could identify ten cuts of meat, or after you catch a show in the neighborhood. I would not suggest a pre-theater outing, however, as the resulting food coma may take you out of commission for the second act.

Bonus? There's a second Plataforma down in Tribeca. Kudos? To those who got through this post without saying "That's what she said."

Churrascaria Plataforma - 316 West 49th Street, between 8th & 9th Avenues